Random thoughts(kinda)
Ok, so I realize I constantly have been posting for months about eating better losing weight getting down to my goal weight and trying to feel better about myself not only physically but mentally as well, they kind of go hand in hand really. I hate to say it because I realize what a fat piece of shit I am but I haven’t done any of it. If I do it doesn’t last for that long.
So I was scrolling through some old photos the other day on my vsco and saw this cute cadid photo of me when I was probably 18/19? Wearing the cutest outfit and looking so tiny and I thought to myself.. this was back when I had really bad eating habits and was depriving myself of food but look how cute and tiny I am. I know for a fact in that picture I thought I was huge then . When you look at old photos and you think you were Soo big then but compared to how you may be now it’s not even close. You wish you could be “fat” like you thought you were all those years ago. Anyways I’m thinking to myself if I could of only seen how I really looked I wouldn’t of complained so much about my weight when now I have a reason to because I’ve gone so far down hill. I stopped and thought well it’s possible to be that skinny and cute again your just not trying nearly as hard you should be. Your constantly fucking up and haven’t made a single change. In my head I know exactly what needs to be done if I want to be anywhere as close to that skinny again. Seeing that picture was like a slap in the face it hurt seeing that, I’m so angry and disgusted with myself seeing how much I’ve changed and just stopped caring about my body. One of the things I miss the most and I realized from the pic is being able to wear whatever the fuck I want and not having to cover up my stomach or legs with all these layers. I miss the freedom of being able to get dressed in a cute outfit and being able to pull it off.
I can’t continue to go on day to day looking and feeling like I do anymore it’s overwhelming and disgusting and I hate the skin I’m in more than ever but I know only I have the power to actually change it and to make myself somewhat comfortable in my body.
I know that I will never see myself for what I really I am and how others see me. but I expect that’s the shitty truth of all of this and if it hasn’t changed in 10 years idk if it ever will.
But if I could lose all this weight and be at my goal weight again I would be more comfortable in my skin. I might be able to stand looking in the mirror. I could get dressed and feel good in my clothes because I actually fit into them.
I have done it before so I know I have the power to do it again. I should be my own motivation.
I have the power to change all of this and actually improve on myself and maybe even maybe be happy with myself again. But that will never happen if I continue doing exactly what I have been doing. It has and will continue to get worse and worse.